Obligitor birthday update

As you may or may not know, its my birthday today. In lieu of gifts please pull emotionally scaring pranks on your co-workers (or neighbors and children if you work from the home). I am 29 years young, and just completed a detailed search for grey hair(up and down). There were none. Besides the usual "OMG, my life has no meaning, and I'm going to die alone*sob*" moments that come with my birthday the rest has been ship shape. Broke some personal record with the spirometry tests, eating well, all that good stuff. You can pretty much read the pamphlet I shoved under your door last time in regards to medical stuff.

I would also like to make an apology though. Even if it is my birthday I feel I have been some what selfish. It was never my intent to do this, nor was there any malicious mindset behind it, it just happened. So I would like to say I'm sorry to everyone. Sorry that I took ALL THE AWESOME, and didn't leave any for the rest of ya'll. PEACE!*drops mic and walks off stage*

Four months out

So today marks four months post-transplant for me. Not much to say other than that. I feel fine, haven't had much issue with medication  excepted for the sleeping pills. It varies from night to night, but if I don't take one I tend to lay awake for hours before falling asleep. But hey when you don't have to peel your butt of the Sealy till 10am you can stay up as late as you want.

I do feel like I am in a daze some times. The technical term is "Med-head", you aren't stoned but you're definitely slowed down a bit. I sometimes catch myself standing in a room for minutes at a time daydreaming, then coming to and not knowing why I had gone in there in the first place. If I get my act together early on and get some momentum going I will usually avoid wasting the day in front of the computer or napping. If I can say that I have accomplish one task in the day I don't feel like I have wasted it. Even if it is just sending out an email or doing a load of laundry, I have a to do list that keeps getting updated, so there is always a reason to get up a get moving in the morning.

My throat is much better, I can now eat stuff that I won't think of touching a few weeks ago. The doctors say my blood work and other tests are coming back good, and my daily breathing checks are stable. Weight still isn't coming back, I am hovering at 70 Kg and that doesn't seem to want to change. I picked up some protein powder last week and I'm putting that in everything. Don't know if that will make a difference, but I feel better about using that to gain weight rather than eating a bag of chips.

The novel is going poorly, thanks mostly to lack of focus brought on by meds and comics(web and dead tree). But its my first attempt beyond a short story, so I'm not expecting it to be my magnum opus. Its the process, the experimentation, the comparing it to my previous work, and the practice that I am getting from the whole thing that is the big reward.

Goals this week include: figuring out what I am doing for Yule this year, Christmas shopping, and making some appointments of a non-medical nature. Easy stuff...we'll see how much I get done, no rush really.

First week home

So after my first week home I can say I am definitely doing much better, I credit everything to Calgary tap water. My weight is stable, I think I'm eating better, I'm drinking enough fluid to keep my kidneys from failing (thats a goal, not dying is a friggin goal), and I go walking OUTSIDE regularily...kinda.

The transition from city to city has been challenging due to the removal of a hard set schedule.I can sleep till nine without some coming  and shaking me awake by my leg(seriously place a hand on the shoulder, apply soft pressure and repeat the persons name till they wake up, its easy and less traumatic mom), but then I don't get my daily "must dos" started before noon. I'm back in my old room/bed, but I walk into stuff at night on the way to the bathroom cause I'm not use to were things are. I have all my stuff again, but because the floors were redone while I was away everything is out of place and needs to be put back.

This last one is like a game of pick up sticks, every task needs other to be completed before it can be started. If I try to start one, I realize that I can't till I start and finish two or three others. When I have such a low level of energy I don't get much done beyond the planning phase. Still progress has been made: laundry was done(just not put away), modeling supplies were gathered(but not where they are supposed to be), and stuff that was uncovered during the re-flooring is being evaluated for keep/donate/toss value(is white wine still good after 12 years, serious I found some in my closet that was bottled in the year 2000).

I was told by the head headshrinker to come back to Calgary with a set of goals in mind, and one of the them was to write more. My friend told me to sign up for Nation Novel Writing Month (Google it). Short version is I'm going to try and write 1700 words a day, everyday for the month of November. At the end I hope to end up with enough material that is book worthy to...I don't know, spend three months editing and forget about it. So if you like stories with violence, sex, and violent sex oh boy do I have a story for you.  The real benefit is get in the habit of writing more frequently. So if I start doing point form updates, or go a while without doing one, blame the novel. Also anyone ripping off Stewie and Brian's bit will be shot to death with balls of their own shit, fair warning.

The only other big news is that I drove myself to a Halloween party on Saturday. That was big adventure for me, and I hand a blast and half. Saw lots of friends, and didn't have the worst costume there!(I was in the bottom third no doubt, but it took me like 10 bucks and 20 minutes to make it)

My recovery is more than ever in my own hands, now I need to push myself through these next three months harder than even in the first three. There aren't as many people cracking the whip, the progress needs to come genuinely from within now. Also in case you didn't hear, prego/my sister is having a boy.

Going Home

Well I have made it through to the final week I am going home for good tomorrow after I see the doctors. No more sneaking home on weekends, or skypeing, or my phone not reciving text messages(this has been going on for more than a week now, apologizes to anyone whom did not get a reply from me). I just get to live in Calgary again.

Edmonton may not be the as bad as I think it is. My friends who live here are great,  I wish I had seen more of them while I was here, that may have changed how I feel about this place. But my Edmonton has been the university hospital and 112 ST. Three months of sirens, honking traffic, 2am drunken arguments, and sharing a small one room apartment has colored my impression slightly. Hawaii is a great place, however if all you ever did while your were there was chemo-therapy you could come away with a poor opinion of the place.

I have been speaking with a psychologist since I bottomed out a few weeks ago. She suggested setting up some goals for when I am back home, so my life there is just a mirror of Edmonton (get up struggle to eat, work out, struggle to drink, netflix, go to bed at 830). There several things that I can do in Calgary once I'm home that won't have been possible here. Those tasks should take me a few days or a week or two to get of that in place. By then I should have a good daily routine in place for exercise, get my self reestablished socially(cause I know ya'll miss my ass), and make sure no ones been touching my stuff!

I'm eating better now, and off even more medication, and all my three month test/scans are looking good. Things are on the upswing, so if I can avoid the plague of doom that is circulating around Calgary now(at least till after Halloween) I should be looking back on all this and be wondering what the big deal was.

On issues and the future

So...that last post was something. I should start by saying that this was not directed at or triggered by anybody. I am sorry if anyone was hurt or felt attack by my words. I'm not sorry I said them thought. That was how felt at the time, and that makes it true. It was an honest representation of my condition, and that is what this blog is for, to give a picture of my recovery to those who care. And right now...stuff blows.

The lungs are working better than Swiss watch made by magical dwarfs, but my limiting factor doesn't stem from there, right now it is energy. Because of what my doctors think, and I hope, were medication related side effects I have had GI problems for a few weeks. Nothing like breaking free from O2 hose only to shackled to the toilet. This has led to me being dehydrated, severely, I can't keep up the intake to offset the out put. In addition my throat still hurts from the tubes. Ten weeks out and it is still a problem that keeps me from eating very much. And the stomach cramping doesn't help either or that meds make food taste like ash flavoured razor blades. So I'm drinking less and eating very little, I'm losing fluid at a rate that a one liter bag of IV fluid did make me have to pee till the next day, this adds up to me feeling as bad as I did during my last bone marrow transplant.

With these complications it makes it terribly hard to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. You ever hear that saying "the blankets were heavy this morning", yeah I literally feel that, moving a duvet off me takes effort. That is what happens when you lose 30 pounds in 10 weeks(that also makes me feel cold all the time). Mornings are very difficult to get through, not like the rest of the day is always a picnic but  really dread mornings. I have to get up early for something I don't want to do> Its like a having a job you hate and there is no opportunity to steal pens or rubber bands.

Somehow I end up in the gym 5 days a week, and try to complete most of the workout. I spend and hour and a half trying to eat lunch everyday, but I'm still eating. Any thing I drink makes me feel bloated, and I am never without a glass of water. I can and will get through this, I am just up to my neck in it right now.

Related updates to come.

Im not going to bother with the elegance or grammer, Im going through shitty time. I have totally lost my appittie and so I have a current weight of 160 pounds. With this comes total lost of the want to eat or drink because i feel completely drained of energy and that makes sick. So my day is spent sitting on the couch or in bed trying to expel from one end or the other. Im not eating/drinking enough, the workouts are getting harder, the doctors are very unsimpatheic to my complians of going stir crazy, and it turns out that pain i was having is a broken rib.

life is generally unfavourable right now. And the only thing that will fix any of these ssues is time. just have to ride it out. Please, as a personaly favour to me, do NOT bombarde my mother/family/myself with requests for details, there isn't anything to tell that isnt up here. Youre not out of the loop because you dont know how many times i had diarrhea today.

To keep this from an absolute wrist slitter here is list to upbeat good things that happened: Doctors reduced my meds by quite a few pills this Friday, only a few more weeks and im home, i might be allowed home for few days at thanksgiving.

Thats it for now, i plan on doing a better post later, not now, later. soonish later.

Super awesome weekend of fun!

(note this post was written on Sept. 8th, and posted Sept 9th)

Well kinda. It is my mom's birthday this weekend so she is back in Calgary and my brother is staying up here with me. He and I hit up Whyte Ave and will probably go out for dinner at some place cool I haven't been to yet. The change of company is nice, next best thing to being home is bringing the best parts of home to you.

Health wise it is night and day compared to my last few postings. I am walking without the walker for a half hour at a time, on less medication, taking less Percoset, and doing upperbody exercises as part of my workout. Right now I am past the seven week mark, and my doctors are very happy with how I am doing. So it looks like I will be back in Calgary around the 20th of October. My breathing is good, and I am tolerating my medication. Its now just a balancing act of getting the dosage right on my anti-rejection drugs.

I am getting into countdown mode now.I have six weeks to go: that is six more weeks to use the gym/trainers at physio, six more weeks of dealing with loud people outside my apartment at night, and just six weeks to get to level where I can be independent enough to take care of my self during the day. I am going to look into the cost of a gym membership to somewhere, either the UofC or possibly one of the city rec centers near my house to keep up the work out. I have a treadmill and free weights at home, but would like to use some of the machines that they have at a proper facility for reasons of safety and variety.

I have the routine down now. I know what I have to do on what day of the week, and what days I have extra time. How to go through my workout so I can be out in an hour and a half. When to show or appointments and procedures so I am only waiting for a few minutes and not an hour or more. Because of this I have more time for myself, even on my busy days. I want to spend this extra time outside of the four boring walls of the loft doing something fun and different  This either means seeing a movie, going shopping, taking in a museum or art gallery. This plan will also help keep me from just flopping down and giving over my day to sleep and Netflixs. Once I am back in the real world I will have daily chores and errands to run, and can't use "but I'm tired from the workout " as an excuse not to getting things done. Have to always be moving toward that new normal.

Peter on Pain

A big part of recovery is pain management, and this is the part of my journey with that. The pain I have is transitory, which should subside over time as I heal. As opposed to chronic pain which never goes away. They require to very different managment styles. So when I say something works for me or doesn't work for me in this post it is because, like all medical stuff, variation from person to person is a factor. My point is don't use my examples as a template for a all pain sufferers, or as a how to for dealing with your own pain issues, I'm not an expert.

I am unsure of exactly what and how much I was being giving while on ICU, that week was a bit of a blur. I do know that my supposed allergy to Morphine and Dilaudid were not an allergic reaction after all. It just what happens when you have a whole lot of them and don't eat. So I had my share of both of those during my first week of recovery. Nice to know that those options are open to me again.

 Once I was transfered onto the the transplant unit I was given the choice of Percoset, Dilaudid, T3s, possibly some others I'm not sure. I do know that they did a piss poor job explaining my option to me. This is likely to be my only real grip with the unit, they let me(and I have to assume other patients as well) get into a such a state before they start to push pain meds. Now maybe this is so we don't have a unit of people all hooped up on goof balls when htey don't need it, but when it feels like they are trying to keep my pain managment options a secret, I call fool. 2am is not the best time to explain what you can do for me: I'm half asleep, heavely distracted by pain or loopy from meds.Apparently you can only get one kind of painkiller every so many hours, BUT that doesn't mean you can have a different type for "break through" pain management. That was the fun little secret they were keeping from me as I count the minutes till I can have something to get me to relax and stop arching my back and breathing as shallow as possible. It took about 6 days before I finally said "Do not wait for me to ask for painkillers. You just bring them to me at a set time, EVERY time. If i need more after that I will ask for more".

My thinking on this, and it has been backed up by medical professionals, is that if I am in pain and stressed out my body is not using all its energy where it should. The energy it should be using to heal is being redirected to deal with pain. Another big problem is that if I am in pain, i don't eat, another big hindrance in the healing process. If I keep myself pain free I will get better faster. How do i keep myself pain free? By taking the painkillers on a set schedule, even if I don't feel like I am in pain right then, I stay ahead on the wave and never end up in pain. Having to play catch up with pain killers sucks. It is a struggle just to get a functional level and then I find that the dose doesn't last long enough. A lot of the guys on the ward like to play cowboy and just tough it out. For me that might make you tough, but it sure doesn't make you look smart.

I could guess why some people wouldn't want to use painkillers. They are some damn powerful drugs. The first few time I had a Micheal Jackson hot shot (I.V. Dilaudid) I was rocked. I had messed up dreams about fighting terminators, were I could smell the gunsmoke and feel the chips of concrete spray against my skin from the bullets ricocheting. Generally they get you in a state of mind that isn't nice. I was much happier when I just got a dose of meds every six hours, often I didn't need the break though/additional painkillers if I did that.

I currently take 40mg of Percoset in a 24 hour period, that is two pills every 6 hours or so. I have been trying to switch to once a day using T3s instead, but every time that leads to a wet bucket of suck. I get cranky and sore, I don't feel like eating, everything gets hard to do/deal with. So I will be sticking with my current dosage for a another week and then I will give it another try. The doctors have not expressed any concern over how much painkiller I am using so I don't think its an issue. Any of the side effects from the meds have been minimal, and I don't feel loopy when I take them, so no reason to change whats working.

Victory over Illness

Today I saw a perfect example of victory over illness. Now we have all been in a mall, or airport, or pretty much any place with a tile floor with more than one color. After just a few minutes of looking you should be able to find some small child walking around in a zig zag fashion trying to only step on tiles of a certain color. This usually looks funniest when they are doing while holding onto their parent's hand at the same time.

Today as I was leaving the hospital I saw this little kid, who was missing his right leg just above the knee, try to only walk on the red tiles. He was doing a proper job of it too, didn't see him once step on the green part of the floor. He managed to keep up with mom and sister the whole time, like nothing was amiss.

This is what I want in life, to have normality.Mine will not be a true normal i know, but I would like to go through life without having to constantly think about lungs and medicine. To just participate in life like everyone else and have the same shared experience. That kid today had that. He didn't bother to think about his leg, he just wanted to stay on the red bricks instead to the green tiles.

Two days shy of one month

Yesterday was a rather long day. Long in that it was more hassle than it needed to be and could have been simplified immensely with a little clarification at the outset. That being said, it got done. Everything the doctors need was completed, and it all looks good. I would just prefer not to have to go for blood work at 740 in the morning, or show up at a clinic for a test and there not even be a receptionist in the room (or even have lights on). Things just seem so much harder when it appears that people are actively trying to screw with you.

Ever marching forward, I have a few new things to do at physio everyday. We are now bringing in some arm and upper body stuff, though I am only using the little pink 2 pound weights to do them. I don't think the work out itself is getting easier, but I am getting better at doing it, I know what stations to start with, when is the best time to show up at the gym, and all the other things to make it more efficient. I can walk from the loft to the gym without stopping on a good day. As for the other issues I was having, those are also coming around. My eating has gotten better, but I am still down about 15 pounds. My throat isn't complaining as much when I eat or take my pills. There are good and bad days, but the lows don't seem to dip as low as they have been.

Some short term goals I would like to see myself reach in the next little while are just to get back some of my flexibility and arm strength so I can get a little more independent. Its not that I don't like have some else put my socks on for me, I just miss doing it for myself when ever I want. Being able to get myself a snack, or pick up an object that I have dropped on the floor are still just out of my range of safe actions. The OT and physio are helping with this, but as usual progress no matter how fast isn't quiet fast enough. Thats the stuff I've got for now, see ya next time.

Oot and Aboot!

I was released on Thursday, and it could not have come soon enough. The care I received was excellent, but the unit was loud, too many nurses bugging me, and just not enough control over my own space. The apartment might be loud at times and have a few other draw backs, but it is a far nicer place to be at..

I have, however, not being feeling great the last few days. The initial momentum I had right after the surgery (you know, the joy of breathing again) ran out the middle of last week. The cause I point to would be the tubes I had down my throat, four at one point. I am still sore from that, my throat is not as talented as some peoples i guess....*giggle*. The issue is that it has made it hard to eat and drink anything. And having to swallow, I shit you not, a shot glass of pills a day has not help the healing process. So if you eat less, you have less energy. Less energy to do things like get up and walk around, and you just generally feel like garbage. And when that happens...You don't feel like eating. Vicious cycle FTW!

So my little red wagon started out screaming down the hill, but has come to a stop in the tall grass. It has come time to get out and pull. When Your day to day accomplishments are many and significant, it is easy to keep going hard and strong. Once they start getting spaced out or become indistinct it can begin to seem like you are going backwards. I told this all to my doctor at clinic yesterday. How I was feeling nauseous, having trouble eating, tired all the time. He said "yeah that is all in keeping with someone who just had a major surgery, we did just cut you in half 3 weeks ago".

That put my mind at easy, knowing that I wasn't back sliding and that I'm still on the right track. I am still ahead of the game with many things: I am not using as much pain killer as average, all my stitches are healing cleanly, and I am back on a regular diet. So there are always place to find improvements being made.

I have to re frame this recovery in my mind. This three months stay is not about tweeking medication, rehab, and adjusting to a new normal. This three months is the equivalent of the two days the make you stay in the hospital after you break your leg. It is the bare minimum of time to heal from the kind of surgery. thinking about it this way is going to help me reconcile how I feel when I might be slowing down. That all I have for now.

I came, I saw, I updated the blog

Greetings it is I, Peter. I am out on a day pass, checking out the new apartment and taking advantage of the solid internet. My doctors think they will be discharging me on Tuesday, so I will be taking over the news feed from my street  team and various other PR people. The updates might seem a little foggy, depending on how long ago I took my pain meds, but we can pretend that it is just me trying to bring you deeper into the experience.

 The routine of pain management, exercise, napping, and fueling/eating has been established and the recovery going well because of it. My mom says that my color is better than it has been in years. During exercise my blood oxygen stay in the high nineties, and I have no problem getting in and out of bed on my own. I still use a huge amount of energy to do anything. but everything is easier when you aren't pulling a tank with you. It is thing having a now freed up hand, and not having nose plugs to fidget with that I keep discovering.

The next few updates will be the day to day happenings, and some 'themed' post regard some of the big things that stand out in my mind as interesting. This post is short because I keep falling asleep and hitting my head on the keyboard. Time for a medically prescribed nap.

Cop Out Title: Inspiring Blog Post #1

Note: The below post was transcribed by me, Peter's brother Doug.

First and foremost, I want to thank you for all your support, via facebook and phone calls and gifts, having you all with me in spirit has made all the difference.

Secondly, this is pretty much all you are going to get, because I am only prepared for short bursts at this point. The doctors all seem to be impressed with my herculean/juicer/general super soldier ability to recover (you’re not supposed to wake up 6 hours after this operation?). Despite this, there is still a very long road ahead of me, so I will need to again ask for a few more things from you.

First of all, if you don’t live in Edmonton, I would appreciate that you not come up to visit right now. Believe me when I say I want to see you, but I do not have the reserve energy every day between physio and daily activities to also have company. On the very good days, I know I can take over the world three times over. On the bad days I can barely lift my head off the pillow. I would hate for anybody to have to go through all the effort to be tunred away at the door, and I would only want you to see me at my best. I will let you know when I am up for visitors, it just isn't right now.

Similarly with texts and phone calls, I don’t check very often. I cannot guarantee I have the energy or the memory to get back to you, sorry this is just the current situation my life is in.

Wishes of support and being in your thoughts are better than any kind of gift right now, so any care packages can wait, and we can go out and celebrate when I am back in condition to do so. If anybody feels they need to do something beyond what they are doing now, please create awareness for organ donation and transplantation in some way you find meaningful. Those of you that have already done so have made my day. The selfless outpouring has let me know that no matter what happens I will always have the support of true friends and wonderful family. And funny cat cards, because, you know, funny cat cards.

Progeress is steady, the physiotherapists and occupational therapists have met with me and set plans in place, and this is feeling very good. Things seem small now but the fact that I can do them and do them repeatedly lets me know I can do more and more every day. For now it is just a matter of keeping momentum moving forward and dealing with pain management. The last week has been so incredibly eye opening that its hard to look at life the way it was before. Just not being able to speak for the days that I had a tube down my throat were an entirely new and unique experience, not the least because I love the sound of my own voice. I feel like every day is a different challenge that I have to figure something else out, like timing pain management meds, or knowing when to relax and recover from activities.

I will try to update the blog as much as I can, but keep watching facebook for round by round updates. If there is anything specific you want to know, post it there, if I am able to answer I will try.

Once my routine is established, the updates on the blog will become more regular, until then you will have to wait like the salivating dogs you are. Thanks for reading gang!!

Ps I saved all the written messages I wrote while I was unable to talk, at some point they might posted for purposes of humour… might.

I don't wanna update!!

Being a lazy spaz, I don't always feel like posting here. But when there is news I feel obliged to inform my adoring public of whats what. I had to make an unscheduled visit to the doctor a few weeks ago. The whole weekend I was feeling...off. Things were just not right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. If you get sick as often as I did/do you get to know the signs of when it is coming, the same could probably be said for anyone who is very in tune with their body. There were enough things different, combined with not sleeping well for a week straight, that I wanted to get checked out.

The doctor did a chest X-ray and found nothing. Everything else looked okay, so they said to just do a stress dose (take double what I normally do) my steroids for a few days and report back to them if things didn't get better. I'm feeling better now, mostly, so it was worth the worry. Better than ignoring things and letting them get worse.

Lucky for me the next day I was able to forget all about it due to removing most of the skin from my leg getting into a car. Seriously I wish I was kidding here, there was what looked like a stripe of bacon hanging from the edge of the dash when I did it. I showed it to the nurses in the Bone Marrow clinic a few days later; they had the doctor come look at it and sent to to the wound clinic in the main building. It was just that nasty. Though I shouldn't complain, I mean really, it only hurts when I walk..

I have been on the transplant list for about a year now. Its hard to say that and not throw up in my mouth just a little bit. I have kept myself stable for the most part, and kept myself occupied (lots of fake profiles on dating websites), but I am ready for this shit to get under way already. You can only do so much of the same thing, and I am running up on the limit. Measuring out happiness and fulfillment in coffee spoons in not a way I want to spend the rest of my life. Until this transplant gets done I can't travel, go to school, volunteer, or socialize on any but the most surface on levels.

Every aspect of my life is effected or controlled by a single force beyond my influence. That sucks fat donkey sack, fat donkey sack after a long trail ride.Thus endth the belly achin for today.

Yelling at the TV is a KIND of therapy.

News flash, date line, lats week: I was sick. There was a spring flu, or cold, going around and I managed to catch it. I am feeling much better now and I am very close to being back to the norm for endurance and conditioning. The Lung Doctor didn't seem overly concerned when I talked to him about it as well, so this one can get tossed up on the win pile.

The trip to Edmonton was supposed to eliminate the need for a local lung doctor visit this month but they wanted me to come in anyway. Mixed feelings about that due to having to go into for an IVIG treatment that week as well, but I wanted to make sure that they were informed about my cold and check up on me, so it wasn't that horrible. While I was there I ran into someone I had meet at boot camp in Edmonton. Not a person from my group but the one before mine. She told me that someone from her group(a man with a a wife and young son) had gotten his lungs and was doing okay. She also said that another person from her group had died.

That was the first time I could put a name to a face of a person that didn't make it to transplant, and it was a bummer. Obviously some patients have better chances than others, either from not being a rare blood type or being in more stable health. But when you hear that someone died waiting it makes something, that until now was only a concept, real. Two ways to deal with that. One is to get scared, worry about death, and generally have a bad go of what could be your last days. The other is get productive. See that all things that were talked about in Edmonton go beyond words on a page, and do what you need to do. Do the exercises, look after yourself, prepare for the good and bad, and treasure what could be the time you have left.

I in no way intend to die(at least not this way, not enough like an action movie for my taste), but I don't let my decisions get bogged down with concepts like "that might led to social awkwardness" or "thats expensive" or"I can do that later". I consider what my transplant goal is in everything I do, but I don't let it impede me when it doesn't have to.

This (almost) month in reveiw.

Goggle: your new page setup is muff-cabbage, that  is all.

With that done here is what I have been up to in the last month. Last weekend I had to go back up to Edmonton to see the transplant team. The trip was done in under 24 hours, including driving, so it wasn't a huge production. Still for an appointment that was less than 30 minutes (were the doctor didn't even listen to my chest) I have every right to complain and steal tongue depressors. I could use skype, give the nurse a set of vitals, tell them I'm feeling stable, and that I would like to get this waiting over with all from the comfort of own room. Oh well, the system is in place for a reason, and It is not like I can shop around for a different service provider.

My sister drove me this time, and we used the time before and after the doctor to visit her friends and their baby. Luckily I won't have to go back up to see the transplant team until November, bar being called up for surgery before than of course. Its not that I hate Edmonton, and do love seeing the people I know that live there. It is just far more convenient, less time consuming, cost effective to go the Foothills for an hour.

After all that they still think I'm healthy as a wounded mule, and they will call me when they need me. I am trying to keep up my end by doing more weights and walking. I have noticed my appetite dropping off in the last few weeks and I think it is because I'm exercising less. That is good in a way. I'm not consuming needless calories, but it is a sure sign that I should be working harder. If I am hungry enough to eat four meals a day, than I am liking burning lots of energy with physical activity. When I only need to eat breakfast and dinner, plus a snack to keep me from getting too snippy, I know I'm being lazy.

Still being social when I can, and with friends finishing up school I am seeing much more of everyone. Also go see the Avengers movie, caught the first screening yesterday, rather epic.

The post the title "Out with the old" was intened for

As time marches on, one must sometimes march to the beat of a different drummer, which is bullshit. Not that there are different drummers to march to, just that I hate change. I fill my days with a combination of workouts, reading, Netflix, day time TV(it still sucks in case you're out of the loop), and the occasional foray into the outside world to re-supply. I still participate in a few of my hobbies, but many I am not able to anymore.

This is a bit of a dick in the eye, because I am fairly passionate about the things I choose to devote my time to. Some of these I will be able to go back to once I have recovered from the surgery, like going out dancing. Others I am going to have say goodbye to for good, like the martial arts. Some stuff I shouldn't be doing anyway and this is just a good excuse to stop doing it, like dressing up to go downtown and fight crime or smoking weed. But with the departure of these activities from my life, temporary or not, there is a void that I need to fill.

I have been looking for new hobbies and expanding on old ones lately, and I am pretty happy with the results. A friend got me into a game were you build models and use them in war simulation. With my martini shaker hands model building is a challenge, but the ones I have done so far are coming out okay. I do NOT want to start playing video games, too much sitting for long periods of time. That and I just get bored with video games. I haven't seen one I liked all that much since Tetris(except rock band cause I'm super wicked good at  singing).

Health is still stable, still walking lots, still waiting to hear about stuff...the Beiber chick got her lungs...I feel left out...meh, I'm gonna go build another tank.

Out with the old

Hey Internet, I have nothing shocking or sexy to report, just some little tid bits to pass along. My doctors visit last week went well. My mom came with me to ask a few question and get some clarification on what exactly 'the list' means. Saying that I am on a list for a transplant is rather misleading. Because the transplant coven looks at not only the people as a whole (how sick they are, what anti-bodies they have, their blood type, etc) but the organ and the person who is donating it, it is better to look at it more a being on chart with many other people. Ever time an organ comes up, the whole list is put on the chart. Quickly people are removed from the chart via automatic dis-qualifiers like blood type. Those those who remain rise higher on the chart as they match capability markers with the transplant organ. Eventually you get a couple of people whom have risen the highest on the chart. Then a few X factors come into play (I'm not positive on what these can be or how they are decided) and they choose who gets the goods. It all comes down to the best match. Which candidate is mostly likely to be a successful transplant. The chart concept isn't exactly how it works, but it is one of the best ways I can explain it. And knowing that when my time comes I will get the best match is reassuring.

The doctor also let me push back my next appointment to Edmonton till the end of April. So my sister might be the one coming up with me rather than my mom. This is not fully out of the goodness of her heart but rather a flimsy pretext to visit friends, which strongly support because they are awesome people. While there I am going to ask them about setting up some kind of photography or video recording of the surgery. Yes I want photographic proof of this happening. A massive scar isn't enough for Peter, I want something to hang on my wall.

And even if you don't like the man, I think it is a good thing that Dick Chainy got a heart transplant. He is going to bring the topic of organ donation and transplant science back into the news and peoples minds, cause ya know lets face it Beiber can only do so much.

I'm here cause I can't go drinking

Several people asked about my blog this week, and it has been almost a month since I posted, so here is my half-assed attempted at an update. It's not whole-assed due to me being distracted by new books and wanting to snap an iPad over my knee(seriously why are you crashing every time I try to search for the fight club soundtrack, applehead bullshit).

Lets us start with the things that are new with me. Something BBBBBAAADDDD that happened(ooo extra spooky) to me was that I developed an ear infection. Just woke up one morning and it felt plugged, similar to when you get out of swimming pool. Having not been in a swimming pool in years, and or even had my morning shower, this lead me to think that something was amiss. After a few days I went to a walk in clinic, and they took care to things. It only took them about 20 minutes to clear out the waxy build up so that they could make a diagnosis. This was some nasty stuff, like massive and colourful and...I wish I had gotten a weight on that thing really. Anyway the doctor there thought I should  go on some antibiotics, so I did. And a week later I was fine.

After finding a friend from high school on the facebooks, and finding she happened to be trained in massage therapy and Reiki healing, I am now doing Reiki a few time a month. This is one of the alternative healing things that I have no issue with try because: It doesn't replace any of my current treatments, doesn't have me taking any addition substances, and includes a lot of deep breathing(something I should be doing anyway). I felt pretty good after the first session so I will keep with it. And as I said Reiki falls firmly in the camp of "it can't hurt to try it".

Otherwise, I wait. I get up, I eat breakfast, I walk on the treadmill, and wait. After lunch I read, clean up a bit, and wait. Waiting is such bullshit. Maybe I'm not doing it right. Should I sit closer to the phone, will they know I waiting harder if I do that? Should I just randomly through out the day say out loud "Okay, I'm ready now"? Maybe if I wish REALLY HARD it will happen sooner. I mean sure it didn't work Christmas presents, easier tests, more pubic hair, making it to the bathroom before vomiting, blind dates not being losers, miracle cures for past illnesses, the resurrection of dead heavy metal artists, a Mc'Rib out of season, less pubic hair, that the smell on the bus not being what I thought I was, or  getting the hell out that jazz concert, but hey it might work this time right?

So that is all the news and whining that is fit to type. Going to see lung doctors next week, doubt they will have anything new to say, but I will let you know if they do. Well this turned out to be rather full-assed after all. Stay classy ladies, fellas...get dirtier.

The rope of sand

Blah blah blah no news yet, blah blah blah still exercising, blah blah blah feeling bored, blah blah blah crack pipe.

Same things and stuff and stuff and things have been happening, no real news to report. I am going to try to fill my time during the day with some slightly more meaningful activities than netflix and calling in fake traffic tips. I baked cookies yesterday, and that is about as meaningful as I want to get. I might also venture forth to go see the new penguins at the zoo.

No good way to end this, in keeping with it being general devoid of good as far as my updates go...

Life is all better again!

Magical Fairies(or mom) left me a Costco bucket of Gummie Worms!!!! Life isn't a wet sack of crap after all!!!! Oh and I guess I should mention that all the physical activity is paying off, I feel back to where I was in September(almost)....GUMMIE WORMS!!!

Baby Shots

As part of my lead up to lung transplant I have to get re-vaccinated. You see after you get a bone marrow transplant you get reset to square one in terms of immunity to virus and other infectious jive. So even if you had your measles shots as a baby or caught chicken pox in grade three you're sporting the immunity of a newborn again. So I had to go down to the community health center yesterday and get myself poked. And when I say poked I actually mean SIX BLOODY SHOTS! Yeah six, that means that they didn't have enough room on my arms to do them all and had to put the last one into my leg! The whole time I'm thinking 'well at least its the baby clinic and I have a delightful sponge bob band-aid coming to me', but no. No cartoon band-aid, no sucker for being brave and not crying, just a "be sure to book your follow up appointment when you leave". LIFE IS BULLCRAP.

I am rather tired today from not sleeping well, and the injection sites are sore, but this will hopefully not slow me down for more than a day. There isn't much happening medical wise for the next few weeks so its just stay the course with the exercise, and possibly burning a bag of dog poo outside the community health center for their ageist policies.

The good, the bad, and the Updates.

The other doctors appointments that took place on the Thursday and Friday after my last update went fine. My lung doctor apologized to me for all the running around that I had to do that week, and that they would try to coordinate with Edmonton next time so I'm only seeing one of them. He also told me that I should consider this the official kick in the butt to get on the treadmill EVERYDAY and do the work out they gave me in Edmonton COMPLETELY.

So I have been on the treadmill everyday since then for a full 30 minutes, and in the last few days I have been increasing the incline for more and more time at the end on those 30 minutes. That alone has help the lungs. I have been clearing out all the junk that built up over the month of low activity. The workouts are still rough, and on more than one occasion it takes me all day to complete it. The walking is much easier to do now that I have a few audio books to listen to while I'm on the treadmill. With the TV shows they tended to end too soon, or the pacing didn't distract me enough not watch the clock(a problem that often leads me to saying screw it and getting off the machine early). The books last well beyond the 30 minutes I need to walk so there isn't a feeling of "oh the end is getting near, I could just get off now". That and the iPad covers up the timer on the treadmill, so time seems to go by faster.

I was also gripping to the doctor about being bored and wanting to get messed up, he came back with the trump card of what do want more: lungs or that? I just felt that I was stuck in a rather boring routine lately, but I wasn't allowed to go out and do stuff. He said I don't have to live life like a hermit, just avoid obvious venues and people where I am going to get sick. He also reassured me (and my mother) that even if I was sick that it would not automatically stop them from doing the transplant. There has to be a LOT wrong for them not to do it when your number comes up. That being said anything acting against you when you do the transplant will make your recovery that much harder, to where you might die. So being out of shape, flu-ish, and having a negative attitude won't keep your out of the OR, but it sure as shit won't keep you out of the morgue either. I am going to get my self in the best shape I can, eat well, and still go out and do what i can to live my life. Hiding like a scared turtle will not help me be ready for the big show, playing three games of D&D a week might...what? it could.

Wow, did I really do that. (Don't read this at work, you might cry)

So I was just sitting around reading a comic, takin'er easy after a nine hour day and a catheter at the hospital yesterday(it still hurts to pee, but everything went well, don't even need a follow up appointment, probably cause I have a super awesome wang to begin with). Somewhere along the line the comic reminded me of a quick back and forth I was having with my family over the holiday. At one point in the conversation I responded with "No I'm peter, ya know, the one thats dying". It just struck me now how off putting it would be to hear that.

Now everyone needs to listen carefully right now, so pick up your frickin ears, I in no way indorse or condone Peter dying. In fact I have been on the record several times in the past as opposed to Peter dying. I am aware that I make jokes that have a little too much slap with their tickle, and even worse is that this awareness in no way transfers over to any kind of inner censor. As a result some stuff I say scares people.

I am very ill right now(when compared to other people, I'm totally okay right now compared to me). The things that my doctors want to do to make me well again could kill me in the process. This is likely not what people want to hear, but that is the truth. Some poor bastard is going to die, I will go to Edmonton, get split open like a deer in hunting season, and get a dead man's organs stuffed inside me. Is it bad that the travel to Edmonton is that part of that sentence that is the most off putting to me? Seriously, that drive is so boring I hate it. The number and stats make this whole thing look grim, but I have been getting grim news from people in white coats for eleven years now, I'm iron hardened against it. But I forget that everyone around me isn't.

My bad health should not be an elephant in the room that people are afraid to talk about. There maybe times when I am going to put myself first and say I don't want to talk about, other times I will have no problem doing it. If you need clarification on something, or more info that I didn't post up here, please don't be scared to ask/comment. Don't be worried about being a downer (I mean if it is all you talk about thats a downer move), or a pest. Chances are that someone else wants to know the same stuff.

This post was not meant to be this long or an emotional gut-check. Sorry if I made anyone cry, but just remember what butt-head says "Its okay to cry Beavis, crying is how you get the sad out of you".

A few updates more.

Well I am not here with news, more of a post Yule/Christmas summary. Both my Christmas and Yule celebrations went well, and the lungs didn't keep me from most of it. I have noticed however that I am quiet out of shape. Given that December tends to be a month long eating contest I am not shocked by this. I am however rather annoyed by how slow I have been to bounce back from a minor cold I had a few weeks ago. The stairs I use every day are still giving me trouble(it is taking me longer to catch my breath after going up them), and I am coughing more than I would like. I don't think it is a problem, just an annoyance. So I have been very diligent about getting on the bloody hamster wheel and walking. I have had to reduce the speed I am walking at, because it just takes too much out of me and I can't do the rest of the work out.

I know that the holiday weight gain would not be a problem if I could keep on a daily workout program. I am not concerned about being over the line for the ideal transplant weight/BMI, but I would have a much easier time of things if I didn't have to tow around 15 unneeded pounds of fat. That and I would feel much prettier. The baking and other holiday food is gone from the house now, so if I stick with my plan of renewed work out awesomeness it should all fall back into place in a month or so.

This week is a bit of a rest up before the medical whirlwind that next week promise to be. I go up to Edmonton Sunday night so that I can go see the transplant team up there Monday morning. Tuesday I have my re-scheduled surgery. Wednesday, relax and complain about potential penis soreness. Thursday IVIG appointment at BMT clinic. Friday see Calgary transplant doctors, and write a horribly bitter blog entry about how difficult my week was.